So I haven't written in a while because it is hard to know where to start. I'm guessing that if you are reading this, you already know we lost our little girl. I was 15.5 weeks when they couldn't find a heartbeat and had a D&E a week later. There was no reason, were no chromosomal abnormalities, nothing. We are devastated and still mourning, still making sense of it all. There is so much to say, so much we've been through since we found out, but it is hard to put it all down here. We decided to have her cremated, and I took her home in a little box instead of beautiful new clothes and a shiny new car seat, but she is home, where she belongs.
I had to have Lizzie's parent/teacher conference pretty quickly after the surgery and didn't go through all the papers that her teacher gave me until a few days ago. I found a drawing of Lizzie's that said "My Hero" at the top and the teacher had written "Mom" at the bottom, explaining what the drawing was meant to be. This would have meant a lot to me at any time, but it really has been my saving grace now. I have tried to keep going for my kids, tried to cry after they go to sleep, but it isn't easy when you just want to stay in bed all day and wallow in sadness. I still wish I'd had the chance to do that, to feel like I'd really had a chance to mourn, but I am grateful for my little girls, so what can you do? So, I went through a pop-tarts and taco bell, no make-up and bad hair stage, but I'm slowly emerging from that pattern. I have this drawing up in my bathroom and it really changes my heart and helps me get moving. I am looking forward to a couple of weeks without the morning rush, though.
We had a bunch of friends stay with us a couple of weeks ago, and it brought some much needed joy to our house. We are looking forward to the holidays, too, although I'm dreading hearing anyone else tell me that everything happens for a reason. I just don't believe that. I've witnessed too many bad things in my life, and while good can come of bad things, I don't think God works that way. My mom always quoted a verse about bad things happening to good people, "He causes his sun to rise on the evil and the good, and sends rain on the righteous and unrighteous." Matthew 5:45. I guess when you grow up with bad things, you are more comfortable knowing there are a lot of things that can't be explained, that don't happen for some greater purpose, that you can't wrap up in a shiny, pretty package and say, "this is why and it's worth the pain because of x, y and z." So, if you are reading this, don't tell me "everything happens for a reason", cuz I'm pretty sure that the next person who says that is going to witness Brenda the New Yorker and might lose a few teeth. Nothing is worth this pain, no other child will replace this child, no good can outweigh this bad. And that's life, kids.
So, while we are in the midst of life's ugliness, all we can do is look for and appreciate the joy. While our friends were here, I took Lizzie ice skating for the first time. One of our friends, Jeff K. (a much better ice skater than me), took his little three year old, too. We struggled to get a quarter of the way around the rink before Lizzie had a complete meltdown and had to be rescued by another friend of ours, Jeff P. I skated around to meet them at the entrance, and he asked her to try again for a couple of pics. She hit the ice with such determination that my heart just soared. She kept saying, "Try again, keep trying, hold on tight!" I'm crying as I write this because it is my favorite moment as a mom, ever. For her to learn that lesson, to really keep trying means everything to me. It is one of my goals as a parent to make sure that my kids aren't intimidated by failure, so this was a huge step in that direction. She went all the way around with me, then let Jeff K. drag her around the ice a bit and had a blast. Oh, being a mom...
There's a poopy diaper with my name all over it and a Christmas chapel to get to, so that's all for now.
Xoxo
